Been a long Time

It's been a long time again. I usually disappear on and off. Well my granddaughter is 19 month old. She is the light of my day and night. I'm so in love with her, she reminds me so much of my daughter. My kids have grown up so fast.
Well I'm going to go i am not in much of a mood to talk today.

So till the next time.

Tired

Its hard to feel always tired but not so much physically but more mentally. Sometimes its kinda scary cuz it feels sometimes like i will end up loosing it and that is definitely what my family needs. Being pulled in so so many directions and my decision has to be the right one which way should i go first so the others won't get hurt if i dont go to them first. Its like damm if you do damm if you don't. Got to keep everything in check and everybody in check and try to make everybody happy. Little do they know that by the end of the day i have not done anything they have wanted me to do or accomplised anything so where does the time go. I feel numb, feel like a robot that just moves and does stuff but can't have feelings cuz its too much work if i do and there is so much to do already. Sometimes is so hard to get out of bed is so much work. Wish i can have one day and not think at all just sit and not say a word the whole day, just silence. That would be good.

BACK AGAIN LOL

Well i am back again, lol. Just wanted to show my beautiful granddaughter. She was born March 4, 2009. Do you see why i havent been able to blog, lol. Well i intend to blog more hopefully. Bye for now.

:)

Never thought love can be this strong

I think i have been out for the past 3 to 4 years but i have been with my girlfriend for the past 9 years it was such a long and hard road but we finally made it to have a peaceful and very incredibly happy life. I was married to a man for 12 years and i knew that deep inside there was always something missing and we ended up getting divorced and I met the love of my life i have 2 kids and my kids love her. I use to think that there was no way someone can love someone with such a passion and the love would get stronger as the time passes. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years now and we still talk for hours everyday is like we have not seen each other for day that we need to catch up, lol. We tell each other how can a couple have so much to talk about when they live together. That's us we don't ever stop talking. We have been thru so much and our love is so very strong. Makes me wonder what the difference was between a 12 year marriage that did not survived and a 9 years being together and we can't seem to live without each other and i can't imagine it.

I have a poem that she wrote to me that i read often because its so incredible i will type not the whole poem because its way to long but its this:

for so many years, I stumbled along, muddling through life. Just trying to get by, never knowing true, honest, pure love. The kind of love that takes your breath away. I wished for it. Prayed for it. Fought for it. Risked health and safety for it. Gave up on it. I searched for a soul mate like a hungry man searches for food. I wished for one. Prayed for one. Damned the heavens for not sending me one. Begged for one. Cried because i didn't have one. Gave up on ever finding one.

Then I met you. Wonderful, amazing, beautiful, incredible you. All of a sudden, the world made sense, my live made sense. All the heartache, heartbreak, tears. All the times I ran from my problems, all the twists and turns my life took without my permission. It all made sense. That rugged, weary path was the path that led me to you. For the first time in my life, I was thankful for all the suffering. The suffering made me run, and the running led me here. Led me to you.
Where there was darkness and despair in my life there is now hope, happiness and love. The parts of my heart that had frozen and hardened are now softened and warmed by you. By your love. You showed me I was worth something, worth loving. Made me believe it, made me feel it. Instead of damning the heavens, I thank them every day. For bringing you into my life.

There is more to the poem but way too long to type. I do believe now that with the right person the love can be so strong that it can't never die.

So Tired :((((

Wow I can't say or explain how tired I am. Between taking care of my mom, dad, taking the kids to work, school and my daughter's boyfriend that moved in with us like 3 weeks ago and i also take him to work and pick everybody up, then there is baseball practice and guitar classes for my son on top of this i am suppose to run my company and create artworks for my clients (YEA RIGHT) creating nothing is what i am doing. Since my mom's accident and me finding out my daughter (17 years old) is pregnant is like non stop. My mom is such a handful actually more than a handful thank God i have wifey that helps me out incredibly alot. Just tired all the time seems to me that i have had no rest since my mom fell.

I feel angry all the time i know alot has to do with being tired but alot has to do with the financial situation since my mom fell my business has gone down like from some orders to NOTHING right now maybe i have one order which the profit is $80 and out of that $15.00 i got to give to the courier so is actually $65.00 wow that's for one freaking week. And the boyfriend moving in has not help the money situation he is 19 and started to work now so he has to contribute to the house but he has not gotten paid yet. :( bills are late and other bills are later, and me not bringing money and the kids eating everything they see gets a bit frustrating.

I feel so nervous about my daughter i guess i got to let her do more decisions she is 17 and pregnant so i should let her not depend on me so much just don't know how to do it or if i can let that go, i see her and even though she is pregnant she is my baby girl. How can i not protect her from everything. When she gets in a discussion with her boyfriend i want to tell her what to do or say but i need to learn to keep quiet because they are a couple and they are bringing a child together so i think i have to stay shut but again how do i keep my comments to myself when i hear sometimes his response to her thats not so nice and i want to go to him and kick him in the butt and say hey she is pregnant she is allowed to be moody and sensitive and allowed to feel anything so be NICE. but there i am sitting wanting to say somethign and trying to bite my tongue and not say nothing at all. He is a very good kid at least he is still here facing the situation that says alot right. Just hope they will last they are so young and they are kids bringing a kid to this world i hope it works out with both of them. So now i sit and say tomyself ok shut up and don't say nothing let them handle their mess don't say a word, i hope that works for me. :( i think i am going to lay down before i need to get up and fix dinner. i guess work for today is out of the question.

I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA

Well I got the news from my daughter (she is 17) while i was asleep she tells me (monday) last monday that she took 2 pregnancy test and they gave her positive i was like in shock she is 17 one year left for her to finish and she planned to go to college. as she finish telling me i went blank all i could see was oh my God her future college her carreer ????? what now. As i got up and told her what the hell happen what about all of the times me and her sat together and talked about birth control that i would get it to her and my wifey would get it to her too. She had stopped the pills cuz it gave her really bad side effect. She told me that it was an accident and the condom broke. I told her YEA RIGHT i have never heard that story before. I left her there after we finish talking and i took off and went to go see her father as i was crying my eyes off in the car and her father wanted to know what happen i told him not until i see you he was flipping i was not sure what he would say or do. As wifey was trying to calm me down and she was in shock also she kept saying things could be worse a baby is always a blessing i kept telling her yes a baby is a beautiful blessing but she is a kid. As i got to their dad's work he looked at me with my face all red from crying i told him that our daughter was pregnant he just looked at me and said good thing i took my blood pressure pill before u got here, lol. Actually i got to give him credit he took it better than i did, he told me we will support her in whatever she decides and plans to do as long as she finish school and goes to the vocational college she wanted to go. that we will help her out. i was shock by how he handle it but thank God cuz i felt and still feel like a mess or what can i have done for her not to get pregnant where did i go wrong did i leave out anything that could of helped her not get pregnant at 17. So as the days have passed now she is 6 weeks and she is happy, sad, nervous and not sure how to handle things. And me as a grandma, telling her one million things for her not to do that that is too heavy lay down rest (she has some cramping but they say that is normal) so as a grandmother and her mother i am FLIPPED OUT OF MY MIND wow that felt good. lol. So i had bought her already a whole bunch of stuff for my grandchild wow grandchild i still got to get use to it, her boyfriend is moving into our house by the end of the month of August he is really excited and he is very supportive with her hopefully it will stay that way. He is 19 also very young but hopefully after my talk to him short summary for my words to him were i will support her 100% i will help both of you as long as she finish school and her vocational college (she wants to be an ultrasound technician) i will do everything in my power to help but he can't hurt her. As he looked at me and told me he wants to get married with her and wants to be with his child. He is young but you never know it might work out. i pray to God that it does my daughter is a wonderful girl well actually now a woman she is my little girl and i want to protect her with everything. So that is my story for this week event. I tell you it has not been very calm at our house telling the family (latin family) was definetely not fun at all. lol. As of now sometimes i sit and still feel shocked but more than anything i find myself praying real hard for my grandchild and my daughter to be ok.

I'm back :)

Not that i blogged that much anyway but heard that Efx2 died. So i moved to blogspot permanently also to http://greenfairy5.vox.com/. Hopefully i will start to blog more i am defenitely in the mood don't know how long that would last. Well i got to go its my wifey's birthday party we are going to a lesbian club and dance off our butts off. lol See ya. :)